—Kurt Vonnegut,
Fates Worse Than Death
I. Introduction
One might object and say this isn't how things really are,
that “it's not really that bad,” and so forth.
A doctor once informed me that even though I might
feel that my health has improved after a few days of taking an
antibiotic for an infection, I should still continue to take the
antibiotic until I finish the bottle. He told me that if I
don't do
this, there could be a small number of resistant bacteria which
could multiply into a more severe infection that the previously
employed antibiotic would not defeat.
The era of national legislative racism has been defeated
by a group of strong-willed progressive thinkers.
But are we still sick?
II. Course Catalog for the Christian Corporate Conservative College
General Education Requirements
Introduction to Feminism
Lectures concerning the value of women throughout
History, analyzing questions like .How would great men like
Christ have been born without women?. (Granted this is begging
the .God. question). Intensive focus on the modern woman and
her ideal role in society, using the .BBB. theoretical model:
Barefoot, Baking, and Baby-making. Readings will be limited
to the work of Anne Coulter, whose life will also be used as a
practical model for the necessary regression of women.s rights to
a reasonable level.
Masterworks of Western Civilization
Readings will include books that have been misconstrued
as .Masterworks. such as War and Peace and Hamlet (with a
focus on why questions like .To be or not to be?. are
essentially sinful) and the one true Masterwork, the New
Testament. Students will gain a critical awareness about why any
.masterwork. must have been written by a Conservative
Christian God (noting that it is no accident how Christ sits on
the right hand side of God).
Complainers Throughout History: From Jews to Blacks
Survey of various groups who have successfully whined
for significant periods of time, beginning with the Jewish People,
who seem to have been complaining forever, from their inability
to handle a little slavery in Egypt to their seemingly unending
sulking over the World War II Holocaust (the Black Plague
killed a lot of Christians; you
don't see us demanding our own
nation-state). The course will conclude by discussing the way
American Blacks have moved from whining about slavery to
making what they call .Blues. out of their crying to slinging
crack-cocaine and rap lyrics at innocent bystanders in the streets
of America's cities.
Introduction to Natural Science
Genesis I.
Advanced Natural Science
Genesis II. We will also consider the concept of Evilution.
Economics
An intense study of how the Tree of Knowledge of
Good and Evil represented a free market, and the fall of
mankind resulted from man's tampering with this market by
biting into the red apple of communism. Students will examine
what are believed to be
God's first words to man in respect to the
Tree of Knowledge, .Laissez-faire..
Research Methods
This class will cover the appropriate ways to avoid
plagiarism. Movement from simple citations (Thanks be to God)
to documenting more complex research (The poet is listed as
John Donne, but I know it was
God's work originally, so whom
do I cite?)
Political Science
The course begins by questioning the structure of our
government. For example, we know that Christ is Lord, does this
mean that we should reserve a place for Him in the government?
Next, a study of fundamental questions like who should have the
right to vote (and conclusively prove this right is reserved to
believers in the Christ and pharmaceutical company executives).
Finally, students will work from Pat
Robertson's thesis: .America
has God and nukes; the Middle East is godless and weaponless,
and if we bomb them now, God's plan of global warming will
prevent a nuclear winter!.
III. Declining Balance
Just one war? That'll be two hundred billion, sir.
Great. Do you take credit?
I'm sorry sir, it's actually two hundred billion plus your
reputation and credibility, sir.
Great. Do you take credit?
We need houses and food and medical care, sir, because this
hurricane really wiped us out, sir, and one of our children has
already died, sir, and we don't know where my husband is, sir,
and we're only breaking into the supermarket because we're
starving, sir, so please tell your friends to stop shooting at us, sir,
because
we'll pay it all back once you can come and help us, sir.
Great. Do you take credit?
We need some antibiotics, sir, and antiretrovirals are particularly
expensive this year, sir, and we're not old yet so we can't afford
them yet, sir, because we understand the way healthcare works in
this country is you get healthcare when you're old, but you can
only become old by having healthcare, sir, and
we're neither old
nor do we have healthcare so things aren't looking good, sir,
and I'm not one for complaining, sir, but the kids at school are
teasing Marcus for having sarcoma, sir, and I think the reason
that I can't get to work is because of the lesions and the fatigue
and not because I'm just a lazy minority, sir, so please help us,
sir.
Great. Do you take credit?
We need more soldiers quickly, sir, and a plan for how to win
this war, sir, and what to do with all of this trash laying around,
sir, and there're a lot of soldiers over by the oil fields and none
over here, sir, and we're getting shot at, sir, so I have to go, sir,
but please hurry, sir.
Great. Do you take credit?
Excuse me, sir? We have no textbooks, sir, and we know you
don't want to leave us behind, sir, but so many of us have asthma
and we can't make it to the fifth floor every day, sir, because
our school has no ventilation, sir, and we're only doodling and
making noises because we're not really learning, sir, and we want
your attention, sir, and we think
we're just as smart as other kids,
sir, and we were wondering why there are no white kids here, sir,
so please stop leaving us behind, sir.
Great. Do you take credit?
The debt is getting out of hand, sir, and we don't know how
much more we can borrow, sir, but we do know that you need to
stop spending, sir, and how about that oil money, sir, we could
really use some more of that right now, sir, because at the rate
we're going we're going to have to sell our children into slavery in
China, sir, and no,
we're not kidding, sir.
IV. Standardized Analogy Tests
We needed to stop the Analogies, which were growing far too
powerful.
Separate is to equal as gay marriage is to civil unions.
Slavery is to they will have no means of sustenance if we set
them free as sweatshops are to they will suffer even more miserable
poverty if we close them.
So we said we will take them away! Be gone with them! But they
continued. . .
A strong, patriotic leader in a time when the world is against
us and our economy is heading south is to Hitler as a strong,
patriotic leader in a time when the world is against us and our
economy is heading south is to Mr. W.
And soon, things grew worse. The students. vision of analogies
gave way to a vision of identity, a prophecy of sameness. . .
The state policy of separate public schools for blacks and whites
was replaced by a policy of separate public schools for blacks
and whites.
Something else needed to be done; we needed to find a way to
break their resolve.
“Michael, I've told you before. Each bathroom in the
school is allowed exactly forty-seven flushes a day. The bathroom
which has been delegated to your grade has already been flushed
forty-seven times. Therefore, you cannot go to the bathroom..
“But—there's—there are seventy of us in 10th grade,
Mr. Thompson.”
“Not everyone needs to relieve him. or herself several
times a day.”
“Several times—it's—it's.”
“Not only do you have the audacity to challenge me in
the middle of class, but you have the nerve to speak to me in
ebonics?”
“I wasn't—”
“If you want a career in rap music I suggest you go
down to the corner and fraternize with those gentlemen,
Michael. But you will not bring your ghetto slang into my
classroom.”
“Yes, Mr. Thompson.”
“I suppose that Michael is not the only one in the class
who needs reminding about the situation of this school. As you
know, Thurgood Marshall was in very poor shape just a few years
ago. Fortunately, a company named Positive Image decided to
take over the operation of the school. Positive Image has not
only improved the quality of your education, but it has also
offered invaluable economic opportunities to your community.
For example, your classmate Michael expressed his dissatisfaction
about the restroom situation. Thanks to Positive Image, however,
each bathroom in the school offers a career opportunity to
“Flush Managers.” to maintain an optimum level of activity from
each toilet in the school.”
“Now, for today's lesson. As you know, one of the
reasons that you can receive such an excellent education is
because Positive Image has arranged for Urban Education Testing
Services, a company designed to help schools receive state
funding by enabling the schools to meet government standards,
to help you prepare for the test. Today
we're going to be taking a
'test' test to test your knowledge of the test which you will have
to take in a few months.”
“Weren't we supposed to be studying Language Arts this
period, Mr. Thompson?”
“As you know, Milton, your class has made particularly
slow progress toward reaching the state's standards, and your
arrested development concerns the executive officer of your
school tremendously. That's why we've been spending four hours
a day on test practice for the past several weeks, and we will
continue doing so until your progress is satisfactory. Do you
understand, Milton?”
“I—I guess. I just—I don't know how this is going to
help me when—when I graduate?”
“Help you? Typical, Milton. Have you no concern for
helping your school? Are you only concerned with yourself ? If
you think that this world is designed to serve you, Milton, you
are in for a rude awakening.”
“Now. Where was I? The test. This test is called
the “Comprehensive Test-Taking Test,” and it will test your
knowledge of test-taking; more particularly, it will test your
ability to take the standardized test which your class must pass at
the end of the year. The first section will ask you questions
about Multiple Choice Tests. The sample question they offer is
as follows:
'What letter on multiple choice tests given by the
state is most frequently the correct answer?' Does anyone know
the answer?”
V. Not Getting It
The following is to be performed at any given time, and
not necessarily in these words, as long as the spirit of the piece
remains. Joe is fifteen, or twenty-five, or thirty, or a variety of
other ages. He talks on his cell phone in his house, or while
walking along a city block, or while waiting for his lunch at a
café; the place holds little significance as long as no one really
pays attention.
Joe: I read this totally hilarious joke on the internet the other
day. It was in one of those what-do-you-call-thems? Junk mail?
Spam? Right, spam. I must have clicked on it by accident or
something, but it was the craziest shit I've ever heard. You gotta
hear this. Hold on, let me make sure I remember it. OK. So
there's like this guy, right? And he's in Africa, and he's like, got
AIDS or whatever. And he's real pissed about it. So someone
tells him that if he has sex with a virgin, he can get rid of the
AIDS. So he goes looking for a virgin and he finds this girl and
she's like fifteen or something. So he starts talking to her and oh,
I forgot to tell you, they're both in this real crappy area where
there's like a million people living in a what-do-you-call-them.
no no like a square box or foot or—oh, right, a square mile.
and they both live in like these little sheet metal shacks and shit
and they're real miserable so he's talking to her and he tells her to
come check something out in an alley or something. So they go
and he starts to like, punch her and beat the shit out of her, and
then he starts like, totally raping her or whatever, and
she's crying
and he headbutts her or something and she's crying even more
and he gets off of her and runs away. And then like, he like,
finds out that the AIDS didn't go away and he's really pissed,
meanwhile this girl's family leaves her and she ends up pregnant
and she gets AIDS too and her family leaves her because they
think
she's like a total slut or whatever, and she ends up like,
lying in the road with all of these gross splotches all over her
and then she just like, dies. What do you mean? Of course that's
all there is. Dude maybe it's like, one of those things you have to
read because maybe I'm leaving something out, but I'm telling
you when I read it for the first time I thought it was
like—I
mean I couldn't get enough of it. Oh I know what I'm leaving
out, at the end it was all like, the guy is America, and the woman
is Iraq or the Middle East or whatever but I didn't really get that
part so I don't think that was what was funny—dude I don't
know I gotta go but text me later on, alright? No way dude,
you're a pimp—no way dude, no way, I'm definitely not a
pimp—alright, alright, fine, we're both pimps.